


Affliction

by Infinity (malecfeels)



Series: Ever Mine [10]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, BDSM, Betrayal, Bottom Magnus, Dominant Alec Lightwood, Fluff in the beginning though, Heavy Angst, Human Malec, Hurt Alec, Hurt Magnus, Losing Control, M/M, Malec, Malec AU, Misunderstandings, Past, Sensitive theme related to BDSM, Still heed the warnings, Submissive Magnus Bane, Tears, Top Alec, emotional mess, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-11-21
Packaged: 2019-02-04 18:56:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12777372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malecfeels/pseuds/Infinity
Summary: “That sounds like Magnus.”“Yeah…he is just perfect. I didn’t think I would ever find someone like this.”“I knew you would. Do you love him?”“I do. I love him.”...Fluff in the beginning. ANGST in the end.Magnus and Alec suffer a fatal blow to their relationship.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi  
> Over the past month, I have typed more than 10,000 words, deleted half of it, pulled at my hair, hit my laptop, cried over the comments and came close to killing myself twice.  
> Why did no one tell me that writing is so tough?  
> Despite everything though, I finally have the next part ready for you. I swear I am not giving up on this series until I write 'The End'. You guys are just too precious.  
> I apologize for the delay and hope you understand. I also apologize for any further delay. I try but sometimes it just doesn't come.
> 
> This part is an important and an intense one.  
> WARNING about a sensitive theme related to BDSM in the end. It could be triggering. It is graphic. Be warned please. It's a precarious balance and I have done my best to keep it.  
> Also tell me if I have too many grammatical errors or something. I proof read and edit twice but still I dont think I get all of them. If it's a lot and disturbing then tell me so that I can proof read it some more.
> 
> ENJOY <3

Isabelle hadn’t expected her big brother to be standing at her door that morning. She had almost ignored the doorbell in favor of the comfort of her bed and boyfriend and the dawning hangover she could feel at the back of her head. The headache had been full blown by the time the bell rang for the fifth time. Izzy had grabbed her gun with a vengeance and stomped to the door, bloody curses at the tip of her tongue.

The last person she had expected at the end of her gun had been Alec.

“You do know that it’s illegal to shoot your big brother without a valid reason?” Alec said, raising a brow at the gun in her hands. “Especially if said brother comes bearing your favorite coffee.”

Izzy blinked in shock as the last vestiges of sleep drifted off and she was just left with raging confusion and hangover. “Alec.” She said finally.

“Yes. It’s me.” Alec said. Was there a playful tone in his voice? “Come on, are you going to let me in?”

Izzy shook her head a little. “Yes. Sorry.” She stepped back, opening the door wide. She swept a hand through her messy hair, grimacing at the knots and the grime from the bar last night. She desperately needed a shower. And a coffee. “Gimme that.” she grabbed at the cup in Alec’s hand.

“Can you please first keep the gun away?” Alec said, narrowing his eyes. “Jesus Iz, the safety’s not even off.”

Izzy rolled her eyes and immediately regretted it as pain spiked in her head. “You do know I am a trained agent who can and has handled firearms for a quite some years now. And excuse me for thinking there was some murdering psychopath at the door so early.”

“It’s 12 in the noon.” Alec said blankly. “Also, I definitely know you didn’t expect a murderer. More like the lovely neighbor you have who you falsely think is out for Simon.”

“She is the most annoying woman I have ever met and she _is_ out for Simon.” Izzy muttered as she took a delicious sip of the warm coffee. Instantly it cleared her head. “I definitely did not expect _you_.”

Alec shrugged as he sat down on the couch. “I was going to call you…but um.”

Izzy bit her lip as she thought about what to do. After what had happened last night, she had been so sure that Alec was just going to disappear for a while like he always did. She and Jace had tried to be there for him initially but he had never asked or accepted their help and instead tried to bear it alone. Izzy may not have understood his reasons but she had always respected them. And eventually gotten used to it.

But today, she was left a little clueless at the turn of events. Alec wasn’t supposed to be here right now. Was she supposed to ignore what happened and just pretend to act like everything was okay?

“Izzy?” Alec said, cutting into her thoughts.

“Hmm yeah.”

“I am sorry, I should have called.” Alec said, shaking his head.

“No.” Izzy said, internally cursing herself. “Don’t be an idiot. You know you are always welcome here.”

“Are you-“

Izzy knelt in front of him, keeping her hand firm on his knees. Up close she could see the familiar cautious look in his eyes but it wasn’t as prominent like always. There was a different light in them, something she had never seen before.

“Hey.” She said softly, looking up at him. “I just…I was just confused.” She let out a small smile. “I am so glad you are here. I was so _worried_ , I couldn’t sleep and I wanted to call you or come see you. But…I know you wouldn’t want that.”

Alec hung his head, biting his lip. “Yeah I know. You know that it’s not because I don’t want you or anything right? It’s not because of you. Or Jace.”

Izzy sighed. “I know, Alec. It’s okay. I just want you to be okay.”

The light was back in his eyes. “I am okay. Really.” He said with an assuring smile.

Izzy cocked her head, narrowing her eyes a little. “You know…I haven’t ever believed you when you said that before. But surprisingly you _do_ look okay.”

Alec rolled his eyes a little. “Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

Izzy got up as her knees started to ache and settled comfortably beside him on the couch. She quickly gave him a hug, her racing heart settling down a bit at that. “I am really glad that you are here.”

“It’s good to see you too, Iz.” Alec said warmly, before leaning back. “Ugh. Your hair is a mess. What did you do? Dunk it in beer?”

Izzy lightly slapped him on the arm. “Shut up. And beer is good for the hair.” She picked up her coffee and took another sip. “Thank you for this coffee. I need another ten of these.”

“And a shower.” Alec said pointedly.

“Yes I know.” Izzy grumbled. “Now! Tell me everything.”

Alec frowned. “What?”

“Don’t play dumb, hermano.” Izzy said. “Everything with Magnus. Cause I know you being this happy and okay after what happened last night is because of him. So I have to know.”

Izzy couldn’t believe what happened next. She couldn’t recall ever seeing her brother’s cheek color red like that. Or have that shy look in his eyes. Or see the almost quirk of a smile.

“Oh my god.” Her eyes widened. “Who are you and what have you done with my brother?”

“What are you on about now?” Alec said, glaring half-heartedly.

“You are _blushing_!” Izzy almost shouted. “Oh big brother, this is better than knowing you had sex with him in the club last night.”

“Hey!” Alec hissed, looking around even though knowing no one was there. “Calm down, will you?”

Izzy put on her most pleading expression as she grabbed his hands, the coffee completely forgotten. “Come on. I have to know everything. _Please_.”

And as always, her pleading expression worked on her brother.

Alec sighed. “After we went home last night.” He started. “I told him everything… I wasn’t ever going to tell him you know? But he’s so stubborn.” A small laugh escaped him at that.

Izzy couldn’t help a smile herself. She could scarcely believe what she was seeing right now. “How did it go then?” she asked hushed, a little worried. Alec had never talked about his past before. Not to anyone.

Alec looked right at her, his eyes shining with something powerful and strange. Something she hadn’t seen before. “He wasn’t upset…or disgusted. He wasn’t sympathetic. Or horrified.”

“Oh Alec.” Izzy said, “You didn’t have to be worried about that.”

“I expected him to be and he was none of those things.” Alec said, his stare now a little distant. “Instead he was…accepting. And kind. And so _loving_. It was nothing I expected. And everything I didn’t even know I wanted.”

Izzy placed a warm hand on his cheek, overwhelmed by emotions. She prided herself on having the right words to say all the time, but now she had couldn’t think of anything. “That sounds like Magnus.” She simply said and that was enough.

Alec smiled, his gaze focusing back on her. Once again she was struck by the stark happiness and peace on his face. “Yeah…he is just perfect. I didn’t think I would ever find someone like this.”

“I knew you would.” Izzy said. “Alec? Do you love him?”

Izzy held her breath as she saw the answer and the emotion bleed in his eyes. She already knew it deep in her heart. But seeing it in his eyes and on every inch of his face, it was better than anything she had ever felt.

“I do. I love him.” Alec said simply.

Izzy’s face broke out in a giddy smile that might have turned into an inhuman squeak. “Oh my god. Oh this is…this is the best thing ever. I am so happy for you Alec!” There was definitely some moisture in her eyes by now.

Alec seemed to look the same as her. He gripped her hand on his cheek and squeezed. “Thank you, Iz. I love _you_ , too.”

“I love you back.” Izzy said, grinning. Her cheeks were probably going to ache after all the smiling. “Can’t believe my big brother’s in _love_. Oh I am so going to get back at you for all the endless teasing. And oh my god, now we can go on double dates and trips and..and-"

“Whoa hey.” Alec said, holding up a hand. “Slow down.”

“Of course.” Izzy slapped a hand on her forehead. “First thing is to call and meet Magnus! That sly man, I am gonna go call him right now.” She started to get up.

“ _Izzy_ , wait.” Alec said, gripping her hand. “You can’t call him.”

“Why not?” Izzy said, “Also, why aren’t you with him right now? Is everything okay? I swear Alec if you mess this up in any way.”

Alec looked like he had a headache now as he looked up at his sister’s fiery face. “Will you just listen to me?”

Izzy narrowed her eyes a little. “What?”

“Look, you can call and meet and whatever you want.” Alec said slowly. “But maybe you should just let me talk to him first?”

“Are you saying you haven’t…?”

“Um….no.”

Izzy hit him hard on the arm. “You idiot!”

“Ow! What the hell, Iz?” Alec rubbed at the aching spot. “That hurt.”

“Precisely why I did it.” Izzy glared. “Why haven’t you told him how you feel yet?”

“It’s not that easy!” Alec glared back. “Look, its hard enough for _me_ to come to terms with it. I don’t even what _he_ feels. I can’t just….you know. I don’t want to fuck it up.”

Izzy sighed. “Alec…you care about him don’t you?”

“More than I thought I ever could.”

“And you love him.”

“Yes.”

“Then it’s that simple. I understand that this is all new for you. I would be terrified too. But Alec…you have lived your entire life fighting and being cautious. I am not saying it’s wrong. But just don’t make this into something complicated than it deserves to be.” Izzy said softly. “And about Magnus…I am sure he feels the same. I only saw you guys twice together. But that was enough for me to see the look in his eyes when he sees you or talks about you.”

“Really?” Alec said, a little shakily.

“Yes.” Izzy smiled. “You need to give this a chance. Even if you don’t know if it will work out, you two deserve a chance. Just once…see where it takes you.”

Alec sat quietly for a second, contemplating her words. He took a deep breath. “I think you might be right.”

Izzy grinned. “I am always right.”

“Thank you, Iz. Again.”

“You don’t have to thank me.” Izzy said, rolling her eyes. “Just get your head outta your ass and go talk to him.”

“Yes yes. But he really is busy right now.” Alec said exasperatedly. “I am meeting him tonight…then I’ll talk to him.”

“Yes!” Izzy squealed, slapping lightly on his arm. “Have I mentioned how proud I am of you?”

Alec leveled a fond look on her. “Okay, Iz. You really need to calm down about this whole thing.”

“Never.” Izzy said. “Can I at least tell Simon now? And Jace? And Clary?”

“Just Simon.” Alec said sternly. “I will talk to Jace and Clary after I have spoken with Magnus. _Okay_?”

Izzy grumbled. “Fine.”

“I wasn’t even going to tell you this now. I came here for a different reason.” Alec said.

“Don’t worry, you would have told me anyway.” Izzy said lightly. “What was the reason you knocked so early here?”

“Again, it’s 12 noon.” Alec said. Then his face tightened. “And uh…I need to talk to you about Sebastian’s case.”

Izzy stilled at hearing the name. It was enough to cause shivers down her back. She bit the inside of her cheek and looked at Alec. “What about him?”

“I need you to hand over his case to me. Officially.”

“What? Why?”

“I know you worked on it the last time. But I know him way better than you.” Alec started.

But Izzy held up her hand. “I am not talking about that. Why now? What do you want to do?”

Alec made a disbelieving sound. “What do you mean why? Throw him back in prison! He can’t be out Izzy. He just _can’t._ ”

Izzy sighed, hating what she had to say next. “I get that. But I am not going to hand this over to my emotionally compromised brother. I can’t do that.”

Alec gritted his teeth. “I am _not_ asking as your damaged brother here. I am asking as a well-trained agent who has more experience than you.”

“Don’t get angry at me, Alec.” Izzy said softly. “And I never said that you are damaged. _Please_.” She took a deep breath and continued calmly, “It’s just that you are too close to this and we both know how risky that is. And right now there is nothing against Sebastian. He just got out and he has solid protection, majority from Robert. We won’t even know where to start.”

“ _I_ do.” Alec said. “I know him way better than you, Iz. That’s what I am saying. You just incriminated for what he did to me at that time. But there’s so much more. And only I know that.”

“Like what?” Izzy said quickly, the agent in her taking over.

Alec paused. “Hand over the case first.”

“Damnit Alec.” Izzy cursed. “You are too close. I can’t take that risk. As a sister _and_ as an agent.”

“I understand.” Alec said softly, biting his lip. “But I promise…I have it under control. I swear I am past it and after the talk I had with Magnus last night…I am _okay_ Iz. For the first time in my life I am feeling better about the whole thing.”

“That’s another thing.” Izzy interrupted. “You are getting better. The last thing you need is getting back in the middle of it. You don’t have to deal with him anymore. You need to completely forget about him. You have Magnus now….don ‘t let anything take that away from you.”

“I am doing this _for_ Magnus.” Alec said slowly, running a hand through his hair.

Izzy frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Didn’t you see what happened last night? How Magnus goaded him?” Alec said angrily. “You didn’t see the look on Sebastian’s face.”

“Are you saying that….Sebastian might come after Magnus?” Izzy said, feeling cold all of sudden.

Alec’s face contorted in anger and pain. “I don’t know…but he could. And I can’t let that happen. I _can’t_. I would die before I let him come anywhere near Magnus.”

“Alec-“ Izzy started.

“And I know this means I am more emotionally invested but that’s a risk I have to take. You said I needed to completely forget about him, but that’s never going to happen. The only thing that will help me right now is putting him behind bars again where he can’t hurt anyone _ever_ again. And only I can make that happen. You know it.”

The hangover was definitely back with the way her head was bursting. Izzy pressed a hand to her temple and pondered over what her brother had said. She hated this precarious balance between being a sister and an agent. “Okay listen. How about I don’t hand it over to you…” she held up a hand when Alec opened his mouth to protest, “ _But_ I will make you a secondary with me on it?”

“Is that possible? It’s technically an FBI case.” Alec said.

“I can reopen it as a special one under a new task force. You can be in it as a secondary.”

“And I am assuming you will be the primary?” Alec asked.

“Of course.” Izzy huffed. “Someone has to keep a straight head while dealing with this.”

“I want Jace too.” Alec said firmly.

“Okay. But that’s it.” Izzy said.

Alec nodded quickly.” Thank you Izzy. This will work, I promise.”

“It better, big brother.” Izzy said. “I don’t care as much about putting away Sebastian as I do about making sure you are okay. So please just tell me if it gets tough or you can’t handle it. Okay?”

Alec placed a hand on her arm and looked at her earnestly. “I will. I promise.”

“Okay.” Izzy smiled. “So what are we waiting for? Let’s get that bastard back in jail.”

* * *

 

Alec couldn’t remember the last time he had felt like this. Felt so light and ridiculously happy. There had been moments of solving cases and spending time with his siblings that came close. But this was different. This was a kind of happiness that was only for _him_. It was euphoric and peaceful at the same time.

And it was all because of Magnus. It was uncanny how just one person had the power to have this kind of effect on him. After everything he had gone through, Alec never wanted to be that vulnerable again. But all the cliché thoughts about having no control over one’s heart and desires definitely had some truth to them.

And if it made him feel this happy then Alec was okay giving it another chance. Because he knew he trusted Magnus. More than he thought he ever would trust anyone.

Alec parked his car under the shade and pulled out a heavy file he had just gotten from his sister. After he had left Izzy’s he had immediately gotten to work on his new case. That was another thing he was feeling good about. Even though the mere thought about Sebastian made him jittery and angry, the thought about putting him behind bars again was enough to get past it and focus on the important stuff. His logical mind was still in knots over accepting the case. His sister was right about him being too close to the matter.

But like he had told her, he had to do this. He had to do this for Magnus and more importantly he had to do it for himself. Talking with Magnus last night had healed him in ways he had never thought he would. But this would help him in a way only he can. And he was past ready to get rid of every grievance and pain Sebastian had caused him.

His phone rang in his pocket, disturbing his thoughts. He pulled it out and quickly picked it up as he saw Jace’s name displayed.

“Hey.” He greeted

“Hey.” Jace greeted back. “Sorry I missed your call. I was working out.”

“It’s okay.” Alec said. “I was calling to see if you were free for lunch.”

“Today?” Jace said disbelief clear in his voice.

“No, yesterday.” Alec said sarcastically. Although he had expected this. He could imagine the confusion and worry on his face right now. Similar to his sister’s. “Are you free?”

“Of course...yeah!” Jace said quickly. “Is everything okay? I mean…I know it’s not I wasn’t saying that, I just are you okay now? Do you want to meet me now? I can come in five minutes-"

Unlike his sister, Jace was always lost for the words. He had always been good with his actions. Alec fondly shook his head at that and once again thought about how he had been so lucky to have the best siblings in the world.

“ _Jace_.” He interrupted his ramblings. “I am okay. Really. I will tell you everything after I meet you, okay?”

“Okay, Alec.” Jace breathed out; worry still evident in his voice. “Text me the details and I’ll be there.”

“Okay. Thanks.” Alec said smiling and hung up.

He was about to turn back to his file when something caught his eye. He had parked his car across from a crowded street that boasted many cafés and restaurants. He could easily see everyone from where he was sitting. It was one of his important vantage points whenever he had to keep surveillance on someone.

Directly in front of him was a small café and sitting in one corner of it was Magnus. It was a kind of spot that was easily obscured from outside but because of his spot he could easily see it. Magnus was sitting in a way that only his back and some of his side was visible but that was enough for Alec to recognize him. And there was another person sitting opposite him.

Alec unconsciously tightened his fingers as he saw who it was.

Camille.

He had never seen her in person before and could only recognize her from the picture he had seen in Magnus’ home. It had been a picture of the two of them, hugging each other. He had found it buried deep under some blankets.

Alec and Magnus had some vague talk about her. He knew that she was an important part of Magnus’ past and that she had hurt him in a way that left unhealed wounds. Magnus had promised that he would tell him everything someday. And Alec had just smiled and reassured that it was okay.

He regretted it now.

Not because he didn’t trust Magnus. But something felt off about this. Magnus hadn’t told him he was meeting his evil ex anytime soon. That morning when he had left his house, Magnus had only informed about a meeting and working at his office.

So why was he sitting with her right now?

Alec checked his messages to see if he had missed anything from Magnus. Maybe he had messaged him about it and he just hadn’t seen it.

But there was nothing.

Alec looked up and focused on them again. They were casually talking. Camille’s face was clear from where he was sitting. It was clear enough for him to see the confidence and smugness in her face as she talked and smiled at Magnus. She was attractive in a rich kind of way and Alec could see why Magnus had chosen her.

It was a sour thought but he couldn’t help but think how good they must have looked together.

Alec banished the thought away and concentrated on Magnus. Alec could see the tension in his shoulders as he sat stiffly in the chair. His head was held up high as he talked with Camille. Alec wished desperately to know what they were talking about. The thought didn’t sit well with him. He trusted Magnus but there was still that nagging feeling in his gut about the whole thing.

Especially after last night where he had opened up to him and shared his deepest secret. Didn’t he deserve the complete truth too?

Alec bit his lip hard as he looked on. His good mood was in the danger of slipping away and before he could think about it, he had dialed the familiar number.

He watched as Magnus pulled out his phone and stared at it. Alec’s heart pounded as he waited for him to pick up. But he didn’t. Disbelief and confusion warred through him as he saw Magnus put his phone back in his pocket.

“What…” Alec said, something heavy lodging in his throat. He hung up and called again after waiting for a few seconds.

“Pick the call, Magnus.” Alec muttered, his eyes glued to him.

He let out a quick breath as he saw Magnus thumb at his screen and move it to his ear.

“Alec. Hi.” Magnus’ voice filtered through the phone, sounding sweet and familiar like it always did.

Somehow it didn’t reassure Alec like it always did. “Hey.” He said, struggling to sound casual. “Sorry, am I disturbing you?”

“No of course not.” Magnus said. “I was just in the middle of something that’s all.”

“Yeah?” Alec asked. “What’s up with you? Did you make it to the meeting on time?”

There was a brief pause. Alec held his breath, his heart pounding so loudly he feared Magnus might hear it.

“I did. I am in the meeting right now. Just took a little recess.” Magnus said smoothly. “Actually I have to go now, darling. The others are glaring at me. It’s as if I don’t own the damn company.”

Alec forced out a chuckle. The lump was impossibly bigger in his throat. “Of course. Go do your thing then. I just wanted to know if you were okay.”

“I am okay, Alexander. I will see you tonight? At your house?”

“Yes. Looking forward to it.” Alec said, swallowing hard. It hurt to speak now. “Bye, Magnus.”

“Bye.”

Alec watched as Magnus put his phone in his pocket without another glance. His attention was immediately back on Camille.

He saw as Magnus put his hand on Camille’s outstretched one on the table and squeeze it gently. Much like he had done so many times with Alec.

Camille offered a sweet smile to him and they started talking again, all the while holding each other’s hands.

Alec watched all of this through a haze. It was as if he was dreaming or not actually here. This, whatever was happening was some kind of dream or something that his over imaginative mind had conjured up. This couldn’t be happening, right?

But as much as he didn’t want to believe it, it was the truth. That had been Magnus’ voice in his ear blatantly lying to him. That was Magnus in front of him, sitting and holding his ex while lying to him about being somewhere else.

Alec felt sick all of a sudden and he hurriedly started his car. With shaking hands he pulled out from the shade and turned around. He breathed hard, trying to focus on the road ahead of him. He couldn’t t see them anymore, but the image was branded in his mind. He kept seeing it, over and over again.

Alec wondered distantly how it was possible to go from being so ridiculously happy to being so crushed and destroyed.

* * *

 

That night, Magnus found himself sitting on the steps of Alec’s building. He had opted to climb the stairs instead of taking the elevator. He didn’t know why. As he had climbed the final floor, he had found himself pausing for a moment and then before he had thought about it, he was sitting on a stair.

There was nothing more he wanted than to see Alec. To lose himself in the feel of his touch. But his insides were twisted with guilt and remorse. And that was just because of the fact that he had lied to Alec. He didn’t even want to think about the _other thing_.

Magnus groaned and placed his heavy head on his knees. His day had started out perfect. He had woken up cuddled in Alec’s warmth. He had never felt as peaceful and happy as he had felt at that moment. He had been blown away by the love he felt for the man beside him.

He had carried that feeling all through the day until he met her.

Camille.

The name was enough for him to want to melt in the floor beneath him and stop existing.

When he had seen her name appear on his phone screen and he had heard her sweet sickly voice and seen her face-

“Magnus?”

Magnus jerked around, his heart lurching in terror as the voice snapped him out of his thoughts. He looked up with wide eyes at Alec who was standing at the top of the stairs. He was frowning, his eyes narrowed with worry and something else.

Immediately he forgot all about Camille and his thoughts were filled with Alec. How beautiful he looked in his usual black attire, how his hair fell haphazardly over his forehead…

How he had lied to Alec when he had promised him he never would.

“Alec.” Magnus heard his own voice speak out in a whisper.

“Why are you sitting here?” Alec said, folding his arms together.

Magnus looked around him, his mind whirring for some logical solution. “Umm..yeah. Sorry. I was just-"

“Come in.” Alec said before he could finish his rambling answer. He turned around and left without saying anything else.

Magnus quickly climbed the remaining stairs and followed him. He had to get his thoughts together now or else he was definitely going to say the wrong thing and fuck things up than he already had.

Alec was standing opposite the room when he entered. He was leaning slightly against the wall, his hands still folded in front of his chest. Magnus sneaked a quick look at his face and saw the blank calculating look.

“Hi.” Magnus said finally after a moment of standing at the door.

For the first time he felt lost as to what he was supposed to do here. All he wanted at the moment was to stop thinking. There was too much and he was so exhausted. He looked up at Alec who was still staring at his face with the unusual expression.

Belatedly he realized that something was off here. Magnus knew why he was acting odd. But why was Alec?

“Alec?” Magnus called, taking a step forward. “Is everything okay?”

A muscle ticked in his cheek. “Yes. Everything is fine.” He moved then, turning away from him. “I just had a long day. I am sure you did too.”

Magnus’ heart ached at the reminder and he controlled himself to not start crying right then and there. “Yes.” He managed.

“Do you want a drink?” Alec asked starting to walk towards the kitchen.

 _I want you_ , Magnus thought.

And because his mind was so exhausted at the moment, it slipped right out, “I want you.”

Alec paused mid step but didn’t turn around. Magnus could see his shoulders tighten for a second before he relaxed again. He waited for him to react in some way. But he didn’t.

“I want you.” Magnus repeated again. He closed the distance between the two of them and gripped his hand.

The touch grounded him like nothing else ever had. He took a deep breath; suddenly clear at what he wanted. “Alexander…” he whispered, urging him to look at him.

And he did. As soon as he did, Magnus felt his heart ache at the conflicted look in his eyes. There was something on his face, something lurking beneath his eyes that Magnus couldn’t understand. It unsettled him.

But Magnus was already far too gone to think about it. To do anything about it.

“Please…” He started. “Can you please…”

“What?” Alec asked in the softest of whispers.

Magnus curled his fingers around his wrist. “I need you to take control. I need to stop thinking. Please. I _need you.”_

* * *

Alec heard the words and it unlocked something in him. It unlocked the part of him that had been frozen since he had seen Magnus in the café that day. He vaguely thought about how he hadn’t let himself think about all that had happened.

About how Magnus had lied to him, about how he had been with another woman, how he had touched and smiled at her in the same way he did with him.

And now, Magnus was standing in front of him, his entire being appearing heavy and tired, his eyes shining with so much conflict and his touch sending familiar shivers through him.

Alec almost cared.

And then the image of Magnus and Camille flashed through his mind like it had every second of that day.

Alec felt that part of him that feels emotions unlock and all he felt was betrayal and rage.

He felt his heart snap under the pressure because it was all _too much_.

He had fought and lost and died and come back. He had suffered and cried and fallen down so many times, he feared that there was just nothing left of him anymore. And when he had thought that he had found the person that would piece him back together…he had broken him again.

Alec couldn’t take it anymore.

“I need you to take control. I need to stop thinking. Please. I _need you.”_

And so when he heard the words, there was just one thing he could do. One thing he knew how to do and one thing he _needed_ to do.

* * *

 

“Okay.” Alec said.

Magnus let out a shaky breath as his heart settled at the words. He didn’t know why but a part of him had expected Alec to deny him this. He wouldn’t have been surprised. He deserved it. He had done so much wrong and the last thing he wanted was to hide some more from Alec.

But he didn’t know how or what he was supposed to say. Not when he was this conflicted and exhausted. He just needed this one thing and then he would tell him everything. Alec would leave him he knew. That would destroy him. He just needed this one night first.

Magnus managed a smile and started to move his hand up Alec’s arm. But Alec slowly moved back, halting his movement.

“Go in the bedroom. Strip and kneel.” Alec ordered, his voice clear and firm.

Magnus hesitated for a second, his mind spinning at the quick change. It had been quite some time since the last time. And after what they had been through the other night….

“Now.” Alec cut in, his voice getting a little louder.

Magnus obeyed without a thought. He quickly moved away and made his way towards the bedroom. By the time he had striped and knelt, his head had cleared and he had completely slipped into his submissive side. It was as easy as breathing now. Tonight it was easier because of how he had been almost desperate to have that. To have that silence where there was nothing except Alec.

But Magnus wasn’t completely honest with himself. It was not all silent up there.

Because, as much as he wanted he couldn’t rid the feelings of guilt that had haunted him all day. Ever since that phone call where he had lied to Alec. Where he had betrayed him. Magnus didn’t want to get rid of that guilt. It was what he deserved.

Before he could think more on it, he heard Alec step in. His hands shook a little where they were resting on his knees. He was feeling jittery and shaky. There was a fleeting thought telling him that he wasn’t ready for this. But he pushed it away.

He _had_ to do this.

* * *

 

When Alec saw Magnus submissively kneeling at the end of the bed, he didn’t feel the usual euphoria and excitement that he always did. He had always admired the way Magnus had easily taken up the role and it had made him breathless and heady whenever he even thought about it.

But at that moment, he just felt disconnected. It wasn’t an unusual feeling because he felt that with every submissive before Magnus. He never connected with them the way he had with him.

After everything that had happened, Alec embraced that feeling however wrong it felt. It was what he was good at and it was what he had always needed. And it was what had never caused him pain.

It was easy slipping into his dominant side. He felt it wash over him and with it came clarity and control. It was what usually happened. But the underlying rage didn’t go away. It simmered just under the surface.

And Alec was far too gone to think about how destructive it was.

Alec sat down on the bed, not taking his eyes off Magnus’. He could see him do the same, although he remembered not to look up at him. At this point probably, Alec would be gushing inside about how beautiful he looked and how he made his blood roar in desire.

Instead he let his voice harden and said, “Get up here.”

Magnus looked up then, something intense shining in his eyes before filling with a little confusion. Alec motioned him to sit beside him on the bed.

Alec turned towards him, ready to give the next order. But he stopped short as he laid eyes on him, their faces just inches apart. Alec could see the light makeup on his face which was already smudged around the eyes. His eyes shone in the dim light, glittering like diamonds. And it was all so familiar and beautiful to Alec that he lost his breath. His heart lurched against his chest and his body tingled all over in response to the proximity.

Before he could think about it, he had already leaned forward and captured Magnus’ lips in his. Alec could never understand how something as simple as a kiss could affect him that much. It was a feeling he could never associate with anything else. And in that moment as they kissed, it was more intense than ever and Alec felt like his heart would burst.

But all too soon he _remembered_ and it was like a splash of cold water. He abruptly stopped and moved away. Something screamed at him to just forget and get back to the kiss because it felt like everything was right in the world again.

But as it happened, everything was not.

Alec took a moment to compose himself, his hands clenching subconsciously at his sides. He saw Magnus’ heavy lidded gaze trained on him, familiar desire lurking in the depths. Somehow that just put him off more.

“Get over my knee.” Alec said. There was a little shake in his voice but it still managed to sound firm and hard.

Alec was more resolved than ever now, the unsettling rage moving precariously in him.

Magnus already looked wrecked. It took him more than a moment to understand what Alec had ordered and even when he had the blank conflicted look didn’t go away. He slowly looked down at Alec’s lap and started to move.

Alec wanted to say so many things and give so many instructions but they were all stuck in his heavy throat.

Once Magnus was lying across his lap, Alec couldn’t see his face anymore. He raked his eyes over his naked body instead laid so easily over him. Alec’s hands itched to devour every inch of it.

“Hold on to the edge.” He ordered next. It was somewhat of an uncomfortable position for Magnus with him twisted and stretched on his lap. Alec could acutely feel his cock poking him in the thighs even though it was completely soft and pliant.

“You just have one simple rule to follow now.” Alec said after taking a breath. He moved a hand down his back, touch light as a feather. He felt Magnus shiver under the touch. “Are you listening?”

“Yes.” Magnus replied. Alec could hear the trepidation in his voice along with something he hadn’t heard before. He ignored it.

“You tell me when you are close to coming.” Alec said in a whisper but there was no softness to it. “That’s it.”

Magnus shuddered at that, his hands clenching at where he was holding on. He nodded jerkily before speaking up, “Okay.”

“And if you don’t…”

“I will.”

* * *

 

Magnus felt like he was numb. Numb in a way that he couldn’t really feel what was happening, like he was underwater. But also at the same time he could feel everything acutely. Every breath, every touch and every beat of his heart. All of it was magnified.

But none of it was in a good way. The overwhelming feelings he always felt when he was this vulnerable with Alec were different this time. They didn’t make his heart pound with excitement. Or his blood roar with desire.

Magnus felt buried deep within himself with guilt surrounding him. With hopelessness and remorse and something that he didn’t even recognize.

“I will.” He said, meaning it completely. He just wanted to please Alec. Make up for what he did. He clung to that goal in the midst of the storm that was in him.

Magnus did find a little reprieve. Alec’s touch was still magical and his body reacted without any pause to it. He felt his hand caress his naked ass, smoothing up and down. He shivered in delight at that as pure want slithered through him. This was everything to him. He didn’t have to think, he didn’t have to hurt. He just had to lose himself in Alec.

Alec slowly parted his legs, shifting him a little so that he didn’t fall over. The position was uncomfortable, making him lose his balance even though he was completely lying on Alec. He gripped the wooden edge of the bed tightly in response.

“Oh….” He moaned as he felt Alec’s finger near his hole. It was a little surprising because he hadn’t expected him to get there so quick. “Alec...”

“Shh. I don’t want to hear anything except what I said and safewords.” Alec ordered, his voice getting a little rougher and more familiar than the hard tone cold he had been using earlier. “Do you understand?”

Magnus bit his lip hard. His heart ached but he said, “Yes.”

Magnus waited a beat, his body itching for Alec’s touch. He felt his finger resume its circling around his hole. He hadn’t even realized that Alec had slicked it up with lube. It was cold but his touch ignited fire like always.

Alec didn’t take a lot of time before he slipped his finger inside, slow and delicious. Magnus pressed his head into the bed to muffle his groans. He could only concentrate on his touch and forget about everything else around him.

It took Magnus a while to realize that Alec wasn’t opening him up. He had been anticipating the stretch and burn but all he got was the steady movement of his finger in and out of him. Alec added another one, joining in to the steady gliding.

It was still enough for Magnus to slowly lose his mind. This was different and new and more than a small part of him was cautious and scared at the change. It didn’t help that Alec was less warm this time. But he didn’t let himself think about that.

He was fortunate to even get this much after what he had done. He was-

“Ah, _god_.” Magnus bit out without thinking as he felt Alec’ fingers brush over his prostate. It had been sudden, sending a shock through his system.

Alec stilled. “What did I say?”

“So-sorry..sorry.” Magnus whispered, cursing himself. It had happened before but this time he felt his stomach drop in a not pleasant way at the rebuke.

Again. Alec brushed his fingers over his sensitive spot and it took everything in him to not make a sound. It felt too good. Alec expertly rubbed his prostate, hitting all the right spots and soon enough he was swimming in pleasure and bliss.

He felt his desire crest and mount, climbing higher with every rub. He was panting hard, trying to breathe through the overwhelming feelings. God he was already close…he wanted to…

“Wait.” Magnus bit out. His hands shook on the bed and he could feel tears in the corner of his eyes. “I a-am going t-to come.”

Alec’s finger pulled out of him immediately and Magnus resisted the urge to whine and sob. He dropped down from the edge, his body shuddering angrily in rejection. Magnus hadn’t even realized how badly he wanted to feel the bliss of coming until he had been rejected of it.

“Good.” Alec said, low enough that Magnus almost didn’t hear it.

Magnus waited with bated breath until he felt his finger circle his hole again. It slipped inside and immediately brushed over his prostrate.

It was at that moment Magnus finally understood what Alec was doing. What he meant by telling him to stop before he came. Alec planned to bring him on the edge over and over again without giving him a release. It wasn’t the first time Alec had denied him but this time it felt different. It felt intentional in a way that was overwhelming.

Magnus didn’t have to think before he knew with certainty that he couldn’t do it. That he wasn’t strong enough.

Yet he would.

_He had to._

* * *

 

Alec noticed the change in Magnus as he slipped his fingers in for the second time. It was subtle but it was there. Alec didn’t know how to feel about that. He wasn’t feeling much of anything except what he was doing.

He was a good Dom, he knew that. And that was what he was being right now. It was routine and it was safe.

Alec placed his other hand on Magnus’ back knowing that it will be harder for him to lie still from now on. It was almost mechanical in the way he rubbed at Magnus’ sweet spot. He could do this with his eyes closed. It was not just because he had a lot of experience but he knew Magnus. It seemed like he knew every inch of him.

Yet he hadn’t seen the betrayal coming.

Magnus jerked under him as he crooked his finger and pressed hard against his prostrate. As suspected, Magnus immediately cried out, “St-stop..”

Alec didn’t actually need to know it from him when he was close. He knew it before even he did. But he still wanted to hear it.

The image flashed through in front of his eyes again, one that had been haunting him all day. It fueled the rage that was simmering and it broke through the numbness he had been feeling.

Alec didn’t wait a second before he had his fingers deep in Magnus, once again bringing him closer to the edge.

* * *

 

Magnus was in tears. He had crossed over from stinging eyes to aching tears after the third time he had stopped Alec to give him his release.

He thought whether it would have been better if Alec had told him that this was his punishment. Maybe Magnus would have better prepared himself to bear it. But then he realized that nothing was even remotely good about this. Not even Alec’s sweet touch to his bare skin. It just added to the pain of holding on to the edge and not letting himself fall.

Because that was the only thing he could focus on now. He couldn’t fail. He couldn’t let Alec down. Not after what he had done.

Magnus had failed almost every other person in his life. The thought of failing Alec, who was the most important person in his life, hurt him tenfold than what he was going through now.

He deserved this punishment.

“Wait…go-going to co-come.” Magnus sobbed out for the fourth time. The edge fell off, his body shut down some more and more tears leaked out. It felt like his skin was vibrating off his body. It was burning and cold at the same time and he felt like he was floating in space. That still didn’t stop him from feeling every little touch.

Magnus had closed his eyes some time ago and the darkness helped him bear it a little more. It was getting harder to breathe because of his clogged throat and tears. And there was a heavy feeling in his chest, increasing with every minute.

And yet he didn’t stop.

* * *

 

_You need to stop_

The words echoed in Alec’s head. It was enough to cut a little through the rage and the emptiness.  

Alec looked down at Magnus, his fingers buried deep for the fifth time now.

_Fifth?_

Magnus was shivering uncontrollably under him, his naked body glistening with sweat. He could see a red mark on his back where his own hand had been holding him down. His eyes raked slowly upwards towards his face. Alec hadn’t looked at his face once since he had made him lie down.

He couldn’t see much with the way Magnus had pressed it tight against the bed. But he could see the sweaty hair, the tendons sticking out on his neck and the big wet splotches near his face.

He could feel the shaking and he could hear the whimpers and the barely muffled sobs.

_Oh god_

Reality crashed into him at the same time the whispered word reached his ears.

“Red…”

* * *

 

Magnus was far too gone to realize what he had said. It had come out unbidden, somewhere deep inside of him that still held some kind of sanity.

It wasn’t that he had reached the end of his rope. He had passed that already. He didn’t know what it was but he just couldn’t take it anymore. He needed it to stop. He needed everything to stop.

And once he said it, he couldn’t stop.

“Red r-ed please.” He whimpered, afraid his voice was too low. “Red sto-p.”

Alec had removed his fingers, which didn’t make him feel any better. He didn’t think anything ever would. He moved, wanting desperately to get away somehow. He lost his balance and almost fell to the floor. But before that could happen, familiar arms gripped him tight.

“No!” Magnus yelled loudly. He struggled out of the grip. “ _No.”_

The hands went away in a snap and Magnus ungracefully stumbled to the floor. He had no strength in his legs, arms or brain. And he couldn’t stop the shaking which was everywhere.

“Magnus…” The voice whispered and it was soft and gentle and it made Magnus want to break into sobs again.

But he didn’t.

“You….” He looked up through his blurry eyes at Alec who was still sitting on the bed. He looked as wrecked as Magnus felt. It didn’t make him feel any better. “You….” He was lost for words.

“I… Alec whispered, his eyes staring at Magnus but it seemed like he wasn’t looking at him. His face was pale and his hands shook ever so slightly as he held them above his knees.

 _I have to go_ , Magnus thought and it was the one clear thing in his fevered brain. Mindlessly he gathered at the first clothing he saw. His hands moved on their own accord as he put them on. His shaking hands did the best they could and soon he was dressed enough to leave.

Alec focused on him then. Magnus stood in front of him, all thoughts coming to a halt as he found himself under that piercing stare. A look so familiar and comfortable.

But not now. Not anymore.

“Magnus.” Alec whispered. It was just one word but it held so much meaning.

“I can’t.” Magnus whispered back. There was nothing else he could say.

Magnus turned around and left without another glance.

* * *

 

[Find me on INSTAGRAM](https://www.instagram.com/malecfeeeeeels/)


	2. IMPORTANT NOTE

Okay guys…Many of you have urged me to give a ‘Rape/Non-Con’ warning to this part of the series. Trust me, I thought long and hard about this when I was posting the story and I did not forget or ignore the negative effect it could have on you if there wasn’t a warning like that.

But the fact that I didn’t give the warning has a reason. I did not give it because Magnus was _not_ raped. Hear me out before you start yelling or killing me.

First I’ll tell you what exactly the ‘BDSM scene’ was. The dominant controls his submissive’s orgasm by bringing him to the edge and then stopping before he comes. The main aspect is making the submissive tell him when to stop. This way it’s more intense for the submissive in a way that he has to say stop even though all he wants is the release. It’s a scene which is mainly used either as a punishment or to increase the ability of the submissive to control their orgasm. I have researched about this, read it in a story and discussed it with a friend.

The reason I used this particular scene was because I wanted something that would ensure a ‘fuck up’. It couldn’t have been too intense where things could get literally bloody and painful. And it had to be more emotional than physical to reflect the emotional turmoil that Alec and Magnus were going through.

Now I realize I made a mistake while writing this. It was the way I wrote the main scene where Alec was bringing Magnus closer to the edge and then denying it. It was the use of words ‘stop’ by Magnus that I am sure is what confused you guys. Magnus said ‘stop’ not because he wanted it to literally stop but because he was supposed to say that when he was close so that Alec could retreat and he wouldn’t come. Usually that is the word that is used and I wanted to particularly use it because of how ‘negative’ it is. But, I should have been clearer or used different words. I have rewritten it a little bit so that it doesn't come off like that. PLEASE GO AND READ IT.

And about how Magnus _wasn’t_ raped. Magnus gave his full consent in the beginning. Halfway through he realized that he couldn’t do it. But because of the emotional mess that he was and the guilt and everything, he didn’t safe word or he didn’t say anything at that time. I am not saying it’s his fault but that was what happened. Even if Alec had been in his right mind, he wouldn’t have been able to pick up on Magnus’ situation right away. It still would have gone a little out of control.

The main point is that Magnus said his safe word and then immediately Alec stopped. If he hadn’t stopped _then_ it would have been rape. Everyone has their tipping point when you are in a BDSM relationship, and when you come to that point you use the safeword. If the Dom still doesn’t stop then it goes over to rape and non-consent. Also things are bound to go out of control every now and then in a BDSM relationship, so every time it does, then it doesn’t mean that its rape. And also, Magnus didn’t say no all throughout. He bore it because of his mindset and only said no in the form of his safe word at the end.

Just remember, Alec _stopped_ when he heard the safe word. It would have been rape if he _hadn’t_ stopped.

Talking about this particular story, I wanted to focus more on the emotional mess that Alec and Magnus were in. Both of them were at the lowest and both made a mistake by engaging in a bdsm scene when they were so emotionally compromised. I am laying the blame heavy on Alec than Magnus because of how he lost control. What happened here was that because of how Alec was heartbroken and angry and having all the negative feels, he lost his control and he hurt Magnus. He went _too far_ but he did _not_ rape Magnus. He _stopped_ when he heard the safeword and he realized what he had done.

Is there anything else that made you think that Magnus was raped?

And that is why I didn’t give the specific warning. I did give a head ups in the start notes about a sensitive theme related to bdsm and a tags in the story. Still, I am making it more bold and loud.

Alec and Magnus were both a mess and after what happened are going to be more messed up. The reason I added the whole angst and not just made them talk about it is because I needed these two to be at their lowest. I needed one last hurdle and for the sake of the series I had to do it all big and angsty. They needed this so that they could be happy and in love with each other.

I _apologize_ to all those who got blindsided or triggered or confused or anything. Like I said, I am still learning and don’t do it all perfectly. Thanks to all those who spoke up about it. I am really glad you did so that I could realize my mistakes and rectify them.

Now, if you guys still feel that I should change the warning then I will do it. Just think about what I said here and tell me,

Okay?

**Author's Note:**

> Don't hate me, okay? I have a plan.
> 
> EDIT: Please read the next chapter which has more important notes. For those of you who feel that there should be a 'rape/Non-Con' warning or don't completely understand about what happened, please go and read. Its important.
> 
>  
> 
> Its been so long since I have heard from you guys so I reaaaaally need to know if its still as good as you keep telling me. I am pretty confident about it but still. You guys are my mentors.
> 
>  
> 
> Another important thing: I am very behind on replying to the comments and I am sorrryyyy about that. I am just very stressed and focusing what little energy I have on writing the fic. But I will soon and I appreciate all the feedback more than you think <3
> 
> Okay I think I am done. Tell me how this one was. I am going to try my very best to get done with the next part as soon as possible
> 
> Thank you. I love you people <3


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